


I don't mind painting my back with the past

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: 10 things the media doesn't know about bucky that steve knows, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Happy Ending, Lists, M/M, Memories, POV Steve Rogers, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Stucky - Freeform, media frenzy, realistic mcu Bucky who isn't sappy but is still loveable, there's a short followup in the comment section :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 13:26:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7510084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There isn't much about Bucky that the world doesn't already know. What they don't have is a lifetime of memories tied to him and a running list of things he does and does not like (hates cotton candy because he says it's too sticky, loves tootsie rolls). Those are his alone. </p><p>There are millions of them. One memory after another like a slideshow flipping through snapshots of their life together. Sometimes, if Steve closes his eyes tight enough, he can almost touch them. He sketches them one by one, brings them to life on heavy paper and charcoal.</p><p>[alternative title: 10 things the media doesn't know about Bucky Barnes]</p>
            </blockquote>





	I don't mind painting my back with the past

**Author's Note:**

> and I don't mind waiting if it's for the best  
> a careful heart is better than none  
> I don't mind painting my back with the past  
> pictures in resolute pain

**Fox News** labels Bucky as a loose cannon, a domestic terrorist who should've never been allowed to enter the U.S. (they seem to skim over the fact that he grew up in New York). They pick him apart and replay blurred recordings from that fateful day in Washington, DC where Bucky Barnes had suddenly returned from the dead with a vengeance and a target. The ticker tape at the bottom reads: Domestic terrorist James Barnes (he would've hated that) missing in action once more. Presumed to be highly dangerous, do not approach. In lieu of using a more civilized photo (such as copies from the Smithsonian) they use grainy surveillance footage which makes him appear to be less than human.

 **CNN** hosts a variety of experts ranging from criminal psychology to human behavioral studies. Only one out of fifteen guests (split screen, one at a time. some appearing via satellite) mentions trauma, PTSD, the toll of psychological and emotional abuse 70 years on. She supports her arguments in favor of Bucky with logic and evidence, personal stories of former POW's. Even still, the others are not swayed.

Bucky's face is on nearly every news channel as well as on the front page of newspapers and gossip rags. Most lead with: **Winter Soldier Believed to Be Missing, What the Government Isn't Telling You.**

Steve scoffs at the title. There isn't much about Bucky that the world doesn't already know. What they don't have is a lifetime of memories tied to him and a running list of things he does and does not like (hates cotton candy because he says it's too sticky, loves tootsie rolls). Those are his alone.

**These are the things the media will never know:**

1\. Bucky is disgusting in that he mixes foods that were never meant to be combined. Canned fish and eggs, for example. Yeah he was always so proud of his concoctions even if they stank up their apartment for weeks.

2\. He's great with kids. When they were younger he'd give his baby sister Becca piggy back rides, one after another until his back ached. Then there were the dirt stained children who'd been forced to work at a young age in order to keep their family afloat. He'd been known to use his last pennies on bubblegum for them.

3\. Bucky Barnes was once Brooklyn's biggest suitor. He could make any gal swoon with nothing more than a wink. None of them lasted past two weeks but he'd been good to each one of them. Steve had been dragged along to dance halls too many times to count only to remain seated because his clumsy feet refused to get the moves right. And yet Bucky had never married or even spoken of wanting to.

4\. He was born to teach whereas Steve was born to lead. He'd taught Steve how to properly boil an egg, the best method for insulating a cold apartment with newspaper, how to dance (Steve's favorite), how to properly speak to dames ("First off, don't call them dames."), how to identify certain constellations in the night sky when they were visible (another favorite). His method was all laser focused details and impatience but it got results (though Steve had never completely mastered dancing as he could never move past the feeling of holding Bucky in his arms).

5\. He has a filthy mouth. Not around the ladies, no. But when it was just the two of them he'd drop _fuck_ here and _goddammit_ there. It was a side of him that only Steve was privy to and Steve loved it (most of the time. not when Bucky got on a tangent about how the price of newspapers had gone up or the milk went sour when it was only delivered yesterday).

6\. Wrestling. They'd spent most of their youth tackling one another, pinning the other to the ground until they begged for mercy. Steve had never quite filled out even after puberty but Bucky had treated him as anything but a 90lb bag of bones. They'd been rough with one another and used insults as endearing terms. This gave them the freedom of a veiled _You know I love you but I ain't gonna say it so I'll call you an idiot instead, idiot._ God Steve missed that so much that it made his chest tight, his gut sick.

7\. He actually was awkward at something. Ironically it was getting along with other kids on the schoolyard. For each bully that tried to befriend him he'd came up with a valid reason for refusing them (he didn't want to make Steve feel like he was the catalyst - even though he clearly was) such as "I don't care too much for Tommy. He eats tuna sandwiches at lunch and they make his breath stink" or "Clayton hates comic books." Still he'd came off awkward when turning down their friendship offerings. He'd puff up and talk nonsense until they went away, confused, and then after that he and Steve would share a cup of frozen custard at Coney Island.

8\. Bucky had a terrible temper especially when it came to bullies picking on Steve. He'd always step in to help then hit them hard enough to bruise his knuckles or to break a nose or two. Each time came harder than the last with balled up fist and gritted teeth. The routine was the same each time: Bucky would explode then turn to Steve with a wisecrack like nothing had happened. With his back to Steve he'd hid it and Steve let him think that he hadn't noticed. As far as the two of them they'd never had a knockdown drag-out fight but they'd had plenty of arguments because both were too stubborn to back down. After rescuing Bucky from Hydra's burning facility they'd had a disagreement over Bucky requiring medical care when they finally made it to base. Steve insisted, Bucky refused. In the end Bucky had relented due to Colonel Phillips insisting upon it. He'd kept the results to himself.

9\. He was born James Buchanan Barnes - a name that never fit. From the moment they first met and Bucky had tugged a dirty and bleeding Steve from the concrete he'd decided that his potential best friend would be forbidden from calling him that. "What am I 'sposed to call you then?" "How am I supposed to know? Just think about my name and use something from it" "James...J.B.B....Buchanan. Buch. Buck. How's that?" "Nah, makes me sound like a deer."  "We'll add a Y then." "Bucky...yeah it has a good ring to it. Thanks pal!"

News articles and even 20/20 referred to him as either The Winter Soldier (dehumanizing, in Steve's opinion) or James as if they were discussing an entirely different person. The first time (in modern day) that Steve had heard him refer to himself as Bucky his heart had both ached and crumbled at the same time. "My name is Bucky." Just like that, a whole world opened up before Steve; hope. 

10\. Bucky could bake a mean mock-apple pie. Sarah Rogers had taught both of them how to make an apple pie with no fruit, not a single slice. Instead she'd used buttery crackers and Bucky had absorbed every detail. He'd even asked her to write it down for him. Three weeks into sharing an apartment with him (after Sarah had passed) Steve had returned home from the store to the place smelling like....like a warm hug if it had a scent. Cinnamon and pie. He hadn't told Bucky but he'd cried that night long after Bucky was snoring and hogging the covers. Bucky wasn't a sap nor was he anything close to being nurturing but it was the small things he did that made Steve feel loved, important. Not invisible, not damaged goods.

 

There are millions of them. One memory after another like a slideshow flipping through snapshots of their life together. Sometimes, if Steve closes his eyes tight enough, he can almost touch them. He sketches them one by one, brings them to life on heavy paper and charcoal but they remain nothing more than mirrors to the past. Bucky's eyes shining under the light of colorful rides at Coney, a smile tugging at his lips as he threw a heavy arm over Steve's thin shoulders and dragged him toward yet another lurching and vomit inducing roller coaster. It is not the same as actually being there but it's a start.

+

On a Monday four months after walking away from a peaceful and calm Bucky sealed off from the outside world in a cryogenics tank, Steve returned to Wakanda with the sketches in hand.

He spent two weeks plastering them against Bucky's tank and another three weeks sketching Bucky in it from different angles. Those sketches were not his favorite. They appeared cold and factual, white and gray, gray and black - no colors. No blue eyes or teasing smile. Those, he stored in the back of his journals.

+

**(two years later)**

**What the public knows is this:**

1\. James Barnes has been cleared of all charges and has returned to the United States as an honorable veteran. He was awarded many metals including the purple heart. Photographs had even captured him standing at the Freedom Wall with palm pressed against the stone, head downcast. Allegedly he'd located the name Private Gabriel Jones - a late member of the Howling Commandos.

2\. He prefers to be called Bucky rather than James. He is very vocal about this.

3\. He did not take well to the media dragging Steve Rogers and afterward a certain editorial had surfaced with a well written statement about Steve Rogers and how much he'd sacrificed for his country, how he did not deserve to be disrespected. Yes, Steve had went off the rails in 2016 but then again who hadn't? He'd signed it J.B.R.

4\. He has a love/hate friendship with Sam Wilson and they're frequently spotted together - sometimes with Steve as well. They blend into crowds and have lunch at mom & pop diners, they pose for pictures with tourists (though Bucky isn't too fond of this part), they argue over which brand of toilet paper is the best in the middle of a crowded aisle, they share the same sarcastic wit. They're fire and ice but they make it work.

5\. Bucky Barnes is unabashedly in love with Captain America himself and doesn't give a damn who knows it. Though if you were to ask him he'd tell you he'd loved Steve from their fated beginning to the very end of the line.

6\. Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes are inseparable.

**Author's Note:**

> wrote this at 7am + not a wink of sleep. title is a from "reasonable man (I don't mind)" by the national. if you read it and actually liked my insomnia fueled fic then you're the greatest <3


End file.
